By: Jennifer Murray

A Chapter to Our Story That We Didn’t Want to Write…

walking through a miscarriage

It was a Monday morning in November that started out with me oversleeping and Brad getting the boys ready for their school day. I awoke with swirling “what ifs” and questions that have haunted me throughout my infertility journey.  Despite being years down the road from being in the thick of the infertility battle, it’s not something that entirely goes away. There is still a “BROKEN” sign that remains permanently attached to your heart. As I struggled that morning with my “less than good enough” thoughts mixed with a little glimmer of what if it could someday be “fixed”, along with questioning some mild symptoms that I had falsely questioned so many times in my life before, I decided to combat it all with a quick pee on a stick in effort to make them all disappear.

{Mind you, Brad and I have been content with our family of six, and had no plans of adding to our family.}

It’s hard to explain if you haven’t walked this beaten down path, but sometimes you just have to see reality, even when you aren’t necessarily wanting anything to change.

I waited for two whole minutes with very little anxiousness or hope.  I had done this a million times before, and knew the drill well. Just get it over with, so I can delete these questions from my head.

But then an unmistakable positive sign appeared. 

My heart jumped from my chest. How would I tell Brad?  Do I tell him now?  How is he going to react?  What is this going to do to our family?  OH MY GOODNESS, I DIDN’T KNOW I COULD MAKE A PREGNANCY TEST TURN POSITIVE ON MY OWN!!!!!

I called Brad into our bedroom and he had THE BEST reaction I could have ever experienced. He was overjoyed. Together we were elated, even though we knew this was going to change everything. It was a beautiful memory as we held each other and shed tears together of surprise, joy, and thankfulness for this God-given gift of life.

…………………………..

At 5 weeks we experienced the joy of seeing the indescribable beauty of a beating heart, and the confirmation that this was in fact real. We celebrated with our doctor, ultrasound techs, nurse, and staff, that became like family to us during our scary high-risk pregnancy. I cherished our little secret for weeks, hiding sicknesses, and struggling through the mommy-guilt that life on the couch brings during the holiday season. Brad was so anxious to share our news with the world, but I urged him to patiently wait a little longer to make sure we were in the clear.

We had a follow-up scheduled for just after Christmas, but we decided to share our secret with our immediate family at Christmas.

We had no idea how the boys would react to this life-altering and unexpected announcement, but it was an incredible moment. Christmas afternoon was filled with joyful shouts, tight hugs, and a hundred “I can’t believe you’re having a BABY” audibles. Later on we shared happy tears, shocked expressions, and laughter with our parents and siblings, that made it a Christmas that will never be forgotten.

………………………..

We looked forward to our 11 week appointment on January 8th to get one more confirmation before broadcasting our news. I had every sign of early pregnancy, and we couldn’t wait to get a peek at our baby again.

Instead of seeing a growing life and a beating heart, we looked at the ultrasound screen in disbelief and devastation, to see an empty placenta measuring 11 weeks.No heartbeat. No tiny baby swimming in my belly. No life.

The heaviness of grief over never getting to meet our child hit us hard as I lay on the table, and I watched Brad in the corner of the darkened room experience the pain of this loss of precious life. The once smiles and elation of our staff turned into many hugs, tears, and “I’m sorries”.  We walked out of the office in shock, filled with unanswered questions, and wondering how we would walk through this unbearable pain.

………………………

I planned on going home and waiting out the end of my pregnancy, but the days became unbearably long. After talking to several others who ended up having traumatic experiences of miscarrying late in the first trimester, we decided to schedule a D&C surgery. I wanted to put the physical part behind us, so that we could concentrate on the emotional impact. Although my D&C procedure went well, I ended up with several weeks of complications that have made the physical aspect of this loss very difficult.

Physically healing is gradually happening, but we are still in the midst the pain that comes with this loss.

We wanted to share this with you all, first to acknowledge this short life that we were able to experience. We are thankful for the gift we were given from the Creator of Life, and we are thankful that he/she is safe in His arms. 

Secondly, we wanted to share this pain with you because we know that we do not walk this road alone. 1 in 5 of you has experienced this incredible loss, and we grieve with you. I can’t begin to tell you how many times we’ve begun to share our story with close friends, who have unveiled their own losses with us.

…………………………….

Over the past few weeks we have wept, we have prayed, we have mourned, and we have struggled with physical healing. We are trudging through this grief one step at a time. We are being vulnerable with you because we know that God can use us through our brokenness, and we pray we can bring glory to Him even through this great sadness. Our lives look different than they did in November, December, or January, and we are trying to ease back into the dreaded “normal”, even though I wish life could stop until healing comes. Or maybe fast-forward through it all. 

Even when we wrestle with what to do with this all we believe in a God who makes no mistakes. A God who is not surprised. A God who sovereignly sees through our grief to a greater purpose. A God who would not waste our tears. A God who really is for us. A God who’s grace abounds in deepest waters

This winter has been so dark, and even the barren trees are a reminder of death. But spring will come along with its beauty. Beauty through death. Beauty through brokenness.

…………………..

Thank you for your continued prayers and support. Thank you for allowing us to be vulnerable and exposed.  Thank you for walking with us. Thank you for allowing us to share this chapter of our lives, and our precious number “5′s” life with you. We have been honestly overwhelmed by your love for our family.

c.s.lewis quote about pain and God's best



 

75 Responses to “A Chapter to Our Story That We Didn’t Want to Write…”

  1. Michele C
    February 11, 2014 at 6:07 pm #

    I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  2. Krissy
    February 11, 2014 at 6:20 pm #

    You have my most heartfelt sympathy. I confess to checking your blog very frequently for updates as I was concerned about your health…prayers are coming your way from Pittsburgh, PA.

  3. Pam Johnston
    February 11, 2014 at 6:59 pm #

    You have been in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be, such a hard loss, my heart hurts. A friend in East Texas, Pam.

  4. Kim L
    February 11, 2014 at 7:04 pm #

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. A book suggestion for you.
    Sunshine after the Storm
    http://www.amazon.com/Sunshine-After-Storm-Survival-Grieving-ebook/dp/B00FSX5OEQ

  5. Kami Crisanti
    February 11, 2014 at 11:04 pm #

    Jen, I’m so sorry for your loss (for all of you)
    That’s the exact story of our first pregnancy (before Maya and today’s her 12th birthday) we lost that first one at 12 weeks.
    Every other successful pregnancy I had ended in a m/c.
    LIfting you up in continued to prayers.
    The Lord giveth and The Lord taketh away….Blessed be the name of the Lord! xoxo

  6. Mariette
    February 12, 2014 at 4:52 pm #

    So sorry to hear of this news. I have walked this journey of loss also… expecting to see our little one swimming around at just under 13 weeks, only to be told the baby had died recently… the grief journey was difficult for many reason… and healing took a long time. Having also experienced several other miscarriages, the cumulative grief became difficult… i found that the support of a GriefShare (christian based) group was key to moving through the grief…. and may be something to consider… He gives and takes away… but my heart still chooses to say… Lord Blessed be your name !

  7. Teri Lynne Underwood
    February 12, 2014 at 7:39 pm #

    Oh sweet Jen. I am praying for you and Brad and your precious boys. Loss and grief are just hard … and there are moments when the sadness overwhelms. Dear friend, it’s okay to deeply feel every bit of that sorrow. I pray you give yourself the time and grace you need to heal — inside and out. I wish I were there to hug you tight and hand you a tissue. Much, much love from north Alabama! Teri Lynne
    Teri Lynne Underwood recently posted.. 28 Days, 28 Ways: Try Something New

  8. Danielle Barton
    February 13, 2014 at 1:34 am #

    My heart aches for you. I’ve been there and I don’t think others who haven’t experienced it, know just what a heart ache it is. So very very sorry for you loss. YOu and your family are in my prayers

  9. sl
    February 13, 2014 at 11:45 am #

    Your and your family have been in my prayers. I do not have a blog. I have followed your blog thru the years from KY. Praying for your family. So very sorry for your loss.

  10. RQ
    February 13, 2014 at 3:26 pm #

    I am so Sorry for your Loss. You and your family will be in my thoughts and Prayers. God Bless you all.

  11. Diane
    February 14, 2014 at 12:54 am #

    Jen – My heart aches for you and your family. I am a follower of your blog and am inspired by your posts.
    Another book suggestion for you (it helped me)

    Empy Arms: Coping After Miscarrge, Stillbirth and Infant Death
    http://www.amazon.com/Empty-Arms-Coping-Miscarriage-Stillbirth/dp/0960945660

  12. Darcy Wiley
    February 14, 2014 at 4:14 am #

    I hardly know what to say except I’m sad with you. It is hard enough to fear this kind of loss, but to endure it after all of the other hurts….heartrending. I’m praying for you and Brad and the boys as you grieve the absence of this precious family member. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing so we know how to pray. You are loved!
    Darcy Wiley recently posted.. Snow Days, Slow Days

  13. Diane Carson
    February 15, 2014 at 4:33 am #

    I just wanted you to know that I am so sorry for your loss. I, too experienced 2 miscarriages and it hurts terribly. You are all in my prayers.

  14. Julie
    February 17, 2014 at 2:20 am #

    We lost our first baby at 11 weeks. It’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. So sorry to hear. You’re not alone though. Prayers for healing and peace to you all.

  15. Catherine
    February 17, 2014 at 7:52 am #

    I have no words and I am heartbroken for you. Praying for your family as I cannot do much more. God bless you all.

  16. Abby
    February 17, 2014 at 8:48 pm #

    jen, thank you so much for sharing your story. emily basile just shared this post with me. i miscarried on january 26 and am still in the process physically and emotionally. i was so thankful to have read your honest and encouraging words. the Lord truly has been our Rock and hope during these long weeks. “He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters.” psalm 18:16.

  17. Cindy
    February 17, 2014 at 10:13 pm #

    I am so sorry to read this news. I am praying that God will somehow hold your pain and tears as well as give you peace in the midst. As a woman who was unable to have children, I feel deeply both your initial joy and complete heartbreak. Thank you for being brave and sharing your burden. Your family is being prayed for!
    Cindy recently posted.. Valentine Gifties

  18. Mel
    February 18, 2014 at 1:32 am #

    My heart breaks for you sweet friend. I will continue to lift you all up in prayer!

  19. MM
    February 18, 2014 at 5:53 pm #

    I am so sorry. We also had a missed miscarriage, where everything was fine at 8 wk ultrasound but found out at our 12 wk appt that we had lost the baby, also ending in a D&C. Certainly know that you aren’t alone and I hope God gradually brings peace to your heart.

  20. Drea
    February 19, 2014 at 2:49 am #

    Im so sorry :( Just now reading this… I miscarried our 1st born … I was just at 11 weeks when we found out and it was exactly 1 day after we had announced to our entire family/church that we were expecting. For weeks following I still had people asking me when I was due. It was a very crushing experience that took me many years to recover from :( – so sorry :( – no words really can make it better… ill say a prayer for you and your family…

  21. Rebecca
    February 20, 2014 at 11:34 pm #

    Sending so much love to you all! We also lost a twin pregnancy when our girls were 3 years old. It is so sweet though that our girls know they have brothers and sisters in heaven, we count all the embryos we lost. ♡♡♡

  22. Greis
    February 22, 2014 at 3:16 am #

    Oh, friend, I’m so sorry! Will be keeping you all in my thoughts. Miss you!
    Greis recently posted.. Happy Twenty Fourteen, Y’all…

  23. Diane
    March 3, 2014 at 6:45 pm #

    Jen~ my heart aches for you and the loss you are experiencing. I will be praying God’s peace and comfort would be so keenly known by you. My heart still aches for my baby girl, but God has so tenderly and faithfully shown me how to live fully with the hurt. God Bless you, Brad, and your sweet boys.

  24. Heather L.
    March 12, 2014 at 3:04 am #

    Oh Jen and Brad I am so sorry!!! I just now found this and am so sorry for this loss and heartache. Rejoicing with you in the precious life you were given and yet grieving that life on this earth was so very short. May God continue to pour out His loving kindness on all of you. Michael and I will be praying for you all.

  25. Rachel
    April 10, 2014 at 3:46 pm #

    I’m so sorry.

    I too wonder if this very thing will happen for us some day. Not that we are planning on it…

    We lost our first baby Eleanna at 21 weeks. It’s so hard. It never really stops hurting…just not a severe.

    Every child is such a blessing no matter how long or short their time with us is. I love the book heaven is real for this subject.

    Take care and know your precious 5 is in heaven with all the sweet babies that have gone before and will be there to greet you when you join our lord.

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