By: Jennifer Murray

What Your Husband REALLY Wants This Valentine’s Day…

valentine's day marriage

Don’t worry, my mom reads this blog, I’m not going there. Although, I think you know your man.

Uh-hem. Moving on…

Valentine gifts for guys always seem to come up short. 

Cheesy. Trinkety. Hollow.

I’m not knocking your heart key chain, or your photo mug.  If he’s in to that kind of thing, then by all means! However, I bet you that there’s something deeper and lasting that he wants from you…

{Photo Credit}

Have you thought about what your husband really wants while you search through the aisles of a department store or peruse the candy aisle?

He wants you to trust him.  Do you believe in his pursuits?  Do you trust him with parenting your children?  Are you still depending on him “to have and to hold” or are you trying to tackle it yourself because “you know best”?

Brad and I have been tested in this area over the last year as we’ve faced financial uncertainties and pursuing new avenues for both of us. The biggest lesson I’ve learned is that increasing my trust for my Heavenly Father deepens my confidence in my provider here on earth. 

Psalm 31:24 “Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.”

He wants you to respect him. Do you use your words to uplift him and encourage or do they tear down?  How powerful our words and attitudes can be in belittling our mate’s character!

It was a revolution to me when I was engaged and sitting in a church service on marriage that revealed that respecting your husband far out weighs loving your husband.  I thought marriage was all about giving and receiving love.  I didn’t realize that this was how God created men until Ephesians 5 became a clearer picture of how honoring God and His authority is a picture of how we are to treat our mate. They deeply desire our respect more than anything on this earth.

How easy it is for negativity to take root in a marriage, and how easily it can destroy much!

Ephesians 4:29 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

He wants you to admire him. What first drew you to your husband?  Do you still allow yourself to be swooned by him?  Is he confident in your affection and loyalty for him?  Have you told him recently what makes him attractive to you?

Sometimes it’s so easy to get caught up in the daily struggles and routines to take the time to admire your mate. I know I get lost in my check list of daily tasks and forget to take time to thank Brad for his loyalty, his friendship, his grace, and the reasons I love him 8 years later. Take a meaningful moment today to stop and tell your husband your top 5 things that you admire about him. Write him a letter, write it on the bathroom mirror, read a card out loud.  He’ll love it more than new golf balls. I promise.

Ephesians 4:2  “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”

He wants you to be confident in your beauty. Do you constantly point out your imperfections?  Do you find yourself changing his compliments into a self-critique? Are you allowing the signs of gravity, the battle scars of bearing children, the comparison struggle to steal joy from your relationship?

Gulp. Oh friends, how I struggle with this!  My quad mama body feels so much less than desirable, the stress of 4 babies has aged me so much, the lack of confidence that I’ve had since middle school still creeps in. But you know what? His desire is for ME!  He married ME!  Be confident in the creative masterpiece that God created you to be!

Song of Solomon 7:6 “How beautiful you are and how pleasing, my love, with your delights!”

Which one of these areas do you struggle with the most? Which area have you grown?

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77 Responses to “What Your Husband REALLY Wants This Valentine’s Day…”

  1. Lauren Green
    February 10, 2011 at 8:24 am #

    I so enjoyed this post. Thanks for doing this. I struggle with pointing out my imperfections and worrying about what pregnancy will do to me. Your point to ‘take the negativity out of the root of your marriage’ is so important also. I try to do that, but it can be difficult.

    Another good point is to women out there that question why they should do these things if they don’t feel like they are getting it in return from their husbands. My advice is to lead by example and hopefully doing these things will catch on in your relationship and you’ll notice it happening from both sides.

    • QuatroMama
      February 10, 2011 at 3:30 pm #

      This is sooo good, Lauren. Thank you for encouraging me (and the rest of us) today! <3 u!

  2. Amy
    February 10, 2011 at 8:35 am #

    Best gift suggestions, ever. Thanks.

    • QuatroMama
      February 10, 2011 at 4:25 pm #

      Thank you so much, Friend!

  3. Lynnette
    February 10, 2011 at 8:38 am #

    Jen, thanks for this post. These are all such important reminders. I struggle with them all on different days. It’s so important to go back to the way God designed marriage to be, so I really appreciate your timely reminder.

    One thing I did for Carlin for Valentine’s day one year was to write on slips of paper things I love about him, and I put it in a tin (that I decorated, of course). He loved it. It was something he could open and pull out a slip and have a reminder of one of the many things I love about him.

    Have a very blessed day

    • QuatroMama
      February 10, 2011 at 3:31 pm #

      Thanks so much for the encouragement, Lynnette. It was a little on the bold side for me, but it felt good to write truth.
      Great idea on the Love Tin! Carlin is one lucky dude. <3

  4. Southern Queen of the Crazies
    February 10, 2011 at 8:57 am #

    Beautiful post. Thank you.

  5. Cherie from the Queen of Free
    February 10, 2011 at 9:17 am #

    Awesome post Jen! Way to encourage 1000s of people with so many words of truth, girl. I wish every married woman could read this!

    • QuatroMama
      February 10, 2011 at 3:33 pm #

      Your gift of encouragement is such a blessing to oodles of people, Cherie. Thank you for taking time out of your day to be so uplifting. <3 u.

  6. Carey
    February 10, 2011 at 9:19 am #

    What a fabulous post! I really need to hear a refresher on All of these points! Respecting our men is something I feel so many women just don’t know! I feel like that one nugget of wisdom could save so many marriages today!
    I have a two month old so I currently really struggle with body image. You are right though, He chose me and He wants Me! I don’t have to be perfect, just Me!
    Thanks for the encouragement!

    • QuatroMama
      February 10, 2011 at 3:33 pm #

      Carey – You’re right on target. Keep pressing on, growing, and encouraging! Thank you for being a blessing to me!

  7. Rachel
    February 10, 2011 at 9:24 am #

    Definitely the last one! I constantly doubt I really look pretty or sexy when he says I do. I make a face, or I flat out tell him he’s blind. You’re right—he chose me! I was the same amount of pretty and sexy then, really. lol Thank you for the reminders!

    • QuatroMama
      February 10, 2011 at 3:34 pm #

      Rachel, you are so not alone! Keep working through it and cling to Scriptures that speak truth in your life!

  8. Erica Mueller
    February 10, 2011 at 9:47 am #

    Thanks for sharing this! We’re big fans of the Love/Respect series from Emerson Eggerichs and we try to share this message with everyone we know, because it has been so beneficial to our marriage.

    I think I still struggle with feeling beautiful tho, especially as this second pregnancy progresses. It’s hard when your body is changing so rapidly!

    • QuatroMama
      February 10, 2011 at 3:35 pm #

      I’ve heard great things about that series/conference, Erica. Than you so much for sharing your heart here. <3

      • Jen
        February 15, 2011 at 12:37 am #

        Love and Respect is a GREAT book! Definitely a must read for Christian marriages. I was the same way thinking love was the most important thing for husbands. Definitely an eye-opener!

  9. Amanda Cox
    February 10, 2011 at 9:56 am #

    Beautifully Written.

    • QuatroMama
      February 10, 2011 at 3:37 pm #

      Thank you, Amanda. So thankful that God put it on my heart to share!

  10. Mikkaa
    February 10, 2011 at 10:55 am #

    I wish I had seen this sooner. I have officially been divorced 2 months on Valentines Day and until I read this I had no idea what I had done wrong…

    • QuatroMama
      February 10, 2011 at 3:38 pm #

      Oh Mikkaa, this broke my heart to pieces. Honestly, I can’t get you off of my mind today. I’m praying for you and that God would chose to do a miraculous work in your lives. Thankful for the opportunity to share this, and praying that it can be used in your life for restoration and forgiveness.

  11. Deanna
    February 10, 2011 at 10:55 am #

    This is so, so good…. thank you! :)

    • QuatroMama
      February 10, 2011 at 3:39 pm #

      Thank you, Deanna. Seriously, thank you.

  12. Debbi
    February 10, 2011 at 12:34 pm #

    What a beautiful beautiful post. This applies not only to young couple still raising their kids but to those of us married 25+ years and empty nesters…..I’m going to share your post with all my friends.

    • QuatroMama
      February 10, 2011 at 3:40 pm #

      Thanks be to God for using my little faith… thank you for your encouragement, and for sharing this. Blessings! <3

  13. Stacey McCastlain
    February 10, 2011 at 12:57 pm #

    You are so good at sharing your wisdom in a humble and sweet way. I don’t think we can hear/read these reminders about loving our husbands enough. Thank you!

    • QuatroMama
      February 10, 2011 at 3:41 pm #

      Thank you, Stacey. I think the truth is suppressed so often – and it remains a mystery when it shouldn’t be…
      Thanks for your encouragement today.

  14. MainelineMom
    February 10, 2011 at 1:18 pm #

    What a great post! We just finished a whole Love and Respect class and it totally rocked my world. It had literally done more for my 13 year marriage than anything else had previously. I highly recommend everyone read the book or take the seminar or class.

    • QuatroMama
      February 10, 2011 at 3:41 pm #

      So awesome to hear! Thankful for God’s work in your life and in your marriage. Thank you for sharing…

  15. Allyson
    February 10, 2011 at 1:18 pm #

    Wow, Jen what an amazing post! You are so right in all areas and hit the nail on the head!!

    • QuatroMama
      February 10, 2011 at 3:42 pm #

      Awww. Thanks so much, Allyson. Thanks for your encouragement and your faithfulness as a friend. So blessed.

  16. Cissie Graham Lynch
    February 10, 2011 at 2:41 pm #

    Thank you for the amazing post and great reminders for ALl of us Wives! We often forget the basics the has set before us!

    • QuatroMama
      February 10, 2011 at 3:43 pm #

      Cissie, you encouraged my heart today. I’m so glad to have found your blog today and look forward to knowing you better. <3 Thankful for your ministry and the legacy of your family.

  17. Jen
    February 10, 2011 at 2:45 pm #

    Enjoyed this read. It goes so much farther than Valentine’s Day! Thank you for the reminder to use kind, uplifting words. It seems in life that it is always easier to be mean to those that you love the most…which is the opposite of what it should be!

    • QuatroMama
      February 10, 2011 at 3:44 pm #

      Jen, your words touched my heart. Thank you so very much.

  18. Alli Worthington
    February 10, 2011 at 2:48 pm #

    Wonderful post. Since we married my husband and I have been through 10 moves, 6 states, had 5 boys, lost one baby, been poor, been rich, lost our home, survived bankruptcy and more.

    We found we were happiest in our marriage during those days we would lie in bed and hug each other and pray. We didn’t have anything but each other to hold onto. We were kinder in those days. The fragile state of our hearts kept us thoughtful.

    Fast forward three years, he is happily employed and I became an accidental entrepreneur who tends to work round the clock. Fussing about football practices and tax receipts filled our days. The daily grind got in the way of us enjoying each other.

    Last Fall we went on a Church weekend to help strengthen marriages and help us reconnect. We were reminded of the little things, reminded to take time to love on each other. It was such a blessing. I hired a Mother’s helper to give us a chance in the evenings and on Saturdays to escape the constant chaos for a few. It helped so much.

    Now we actually have time to enjoy each other and have some fun. Not letting the stress of daily life keep us from each other was the key!

    Love your post. Love!

    • QuatroMama
      February 10, 2011 at 3:46 pm #

      A to the Men. I’m with you, Sweet Friend. Thank you for sharing your heart, your struggles, your growth, with me today. It warmed me up from the inside out. It’s a work in progress to be sure, but so worth working at!
      xoxo

  19. Kimba
    February 10, 2011 at 2:57 pm #

    Oh girl. You are so, so right. I struggle so much with that last one. I look in the mirror and see a vague shadow of the body that used to exist. How could he see beauty if I can’t? But I know better. And I need to remember that.

    • QuatroMama
      February 10, 2011 at 3:47 pm #

      I hear ya, Kimba. So there. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone.
      I hate to hear that a woman who I find full of so much beauty struggles with this too, but it’s comforting at the same time. <3

  20. Lisa-Jo @thegypsymama
    February 10, 2011 at 2:59 pm #

    Preach it, sister. Such truth here. It’s hard to remember this as women and often as hard to put it into practice! But you are wise and these are good words to live (and love) by! :)

    • QuatroMama
      February 10, 2011 at 3:48 pm #

      Practicing…
      MAJOR Work in Progress. But committed to working on it. Even just the basics.
      <3 u, Friend. Thank you for your encouragement.

  21. Jessie's Girls
    February 10, 2011 at 4:09 pm #

    So convicting! I have such a hard time taking a compliment from my husband. And it bugs the heck out of me when he puts himself down too, so I don’t know why I just can’t seem to resist. Working on it.

    And saying supportive words, I am pretty good about this except in one pet area. I guess its a pet I need to get rid of.

  22. Amber
    February 10, 2011 at 5:10 pm #

    I love this post. Thank you so much for taking the time to share. I need to work on every single point. Eeeekkkkk! Thank you!

    • QuatroMama
      February 11, 2011 at 6:41 pm #

      Thank you, Amber! If we’re all being honest, I think we all have to work on these to some degree. Thank goodness we serve a merciful and forgiving Savior, and that we don’t have to be perfect! Thankfully His righteousness covers us! Thanks so much for the encouragement! <3

  23. Sarah @ Loved Like the Church
    February 10, 2011 at 5:33 pm #

    Oh man, I needed to read this. Just this morning I was crying over how our lives have changed {in good, but hard} ways in the last four+ months and it’s hard to trust my husband in it all. Logically I know I do – he’s never given me any reason to not trust where he is leading. But emotionally I’m all over the map. So thanks for reminding me to trust my Father first and that He is leading my husband as much a my husband is leading me.

    • QuatroMama
      February 11, 2011 at 6:42 pm #

      Sarah, thanks for your honesty. Change is HARD. We just have to allow it to make and mold us more like Christ. <3 u.

  24. Jessica Denton
    February 11, 2011 at 7:02 am #

    I just loved your post. What a great gift for my husband. I feel it is a perfect time to tell people because they are focused on love and willing to please their mate. I am wondering if I can copy the content of your post. The bullet points. I will add my own commentary. I would love to document this on my little blog. I only have family and close friends reading it but I think they could grow from it.
    Would that be ok. I will give you credit for it.
    Jessica

    • QuatroMama
      February 11, 2011 at 6:44 pm #

      Jessica, that blesses my heart so much! Thank you for your sweet, kind words. Please feel free to copy a few lines for your own blog and then reference to this post. From my experience, this is the correct and accepted blog etiquette. Thank you so much, and your heart to share this with those you love. <3

  25. Deborah
    February 11, 2011 at 10:21 am #

    Right on the money! My husband couldn’t agree more with these words of advice. I am thankful to have come to understand this early in my marriage, but I always need to be reminded to do better. The wonderful thing about giving what your spouse needs is they will feel loved and happy and do the same for you in return!

    This is just what I needed today, thank you.

    • QuatroMama
      February 11, 2011 at 6:45 pm #

      Deborah, if I could only practice my own words well! Marriage is such a living and growing process, isn’t it? Thank you for sharing here.

  26. Kelly from Kelly's Lucky You
    February 11, 2011 at 10:25 am #

    I needed to read this…. I’ve been having way too much *wife outrage* lately that comes from a place of insecurity. Thank you for the reminder and I’m bookmarking this page to come back to again and again when I need a wake-up call.

    • QuatroMama
      February 11, 2011 at 6:46 pm #

      Kelly, I’m so thankful that God could use me in this way. I hope you are encouraged today and in the days to come.

  27. Allison
    February 11, 2011 at 10:57 am #

    Thank you for this post! As pastors, my husband and I have taught these principles of loving your husband for many years. I found your post from a link on Kimba’s blog, A Soft Place to Land, and I posted a link to it on my Facebook page.

    • QuatroMama
      February 11, 2011 at 6:47 pm #

      Allison, Thank you so much for hopping over. I think the world of Kimba and was so blessed to meet her this fall. You are always welcome here! Thank you for sharing this post – wow.
      God used you as a blessing in my life today!

  28. Tonya
    February 11, 2011 at 11:37 am #

    Oh my heavens, this is exactly what I needed to hear/read today! Thank you for sharing this! I’ll be sharing it w/all my friends too!

    • QuatroMama
      February 11, 2011 at 6:48 pm #

      Tonya – Thank you. Your words truly bless my heart and it humbles me to know that you think they are worth sharing. Blessings!

  29. Drew
    February 11, 2011 at 12:09 pm #

    As a guy I can say, these are true and all very important. For me that last one is the most important followed closely by Respect, Trust and then Admire.

    • QuatroMama
      February 11, 2011 at 6:49 pm #

      So great to hear another guy’s perspective, Drew. Thank you so very much for sharing your heart.

  30. Wendy
    February 11, 2011 at 12:49 pm #

    Thank you so much for sharing this. How very true!!

    I would also add complete honesty.

    • QuatroMama
      February 11, 2011 at 6:49 pm #

      Great one! Thank you for adding that, Wendy. Honesty is profoundly important in marriage – so true.

  31. Pat
    February 11, 2011 at 1:46 pm #

    This is fantastic.
    I’m printing this article and tucking it inside a pretty valentine for my girls.

    Truer words have not been spoken. I learned these same truths but late in life. Now that my daughters are grown ; they don’t see the way my LATE example has paid off.Wish I’d known these things as a young bride.
    Not taking any credit…our marriage is a true blessing and work of God’s magnificent Grace and Mercy!
    Thanks for sharing this timely piece here at Valentines Day

    • QuatroMama
      February 11, 2011 at 6:51 pm #

      Pat, thank you for sharing this with your daughters. I’m thankful for the teaching in my life, and grateful for the opportunity to share it in this space. Thank you for being a blessing to me and my readers today!

  32. Lady Kay
    February 11, 2011 at 3:04 pm #

    I somehow stumbled onto this post from another blog and I love it! I wrote down those 4 points. This week I started emailing my husband each morning with a thank you for something, so that I can stay focused on the positive!

    • QuatroMama
      February 11, 2011 at 6:51 pm #

      What a beautiful idea and a memorable gift! Thank you for this idea, and please feel welcome here. So glad you found us!

  33. Anna @ Take the Side Street
    February 11, 2011 at 3:08 pm #

    Found you through A Soft Place To Land, so glad I read this! My husband and I have two young sons and as great a blessing as they are, around the clock parenthood of infants and young children definitely changed the dynamics of our relationship… it was hard to remember that WE had a relationship that needed attention and love as well! I forgot to take my Mommy hat off once in a while ;)

    We’re working very hard on this and going to a marriage enrichment conference at our church this weekend… I’m very glad I stumbled upon this today. Great post :)

    • QuatroMama
      February 11, 2011 at 6:53 pm #

      Thanks for hopping over today, Anna. Kimba is a blessing in my life, and it blessed my socks off that she shared this with you all. I can relate to your comment SO MUCH, and I’m right there with you in this challenge!
      Praying for your growth and your walk with the Lord!
      Hope you pop in again soon!

  34. Cyndi Spivey
    February 12, 2011 at 8:08 am #

    That was a great post!! Our husbands need our respect and our trust and i’m guilty of not always giving it. Thanks for the reminder and I’m going to write that note for my husband.
    Blessings friend,
    Cyndi

  35. Naomi
    February 12, 2011 at 3:57 pm #

    So good, thank you!
    I have grown in letting him know I appreciate and respect him especially since becoming parents while we live 4000 miles from any family, really couldn’t do it without him.
    I need to work on loving my body stretch marks and all as much as he truly does.

  36. Hyacynth
    February 12, 2011 at 10:15 pm #

    Stopping my from Half Past Kissin Time for the first time. And this was a wonderful post to read because I often forget these kinds of things — these things my husband so deeply desires. Thanks for the reminder.

  37. The Lovely One
    February 13, 2011 at 11:31 pm #

    I’m sure that my husband would want me to be more confident in my beauty! He tells me all the time how beautiful I am, but I have a hard time convincing myself!

  38. Sarah H.
    February 14, 2011 at 3:53 pm #

    You have no absolute idea how much I needed this today! I have really been struggling in my own mind with being secure in my marriage, and have let negativity and worry and doubt creep in. I know it’s of the devil, but it is so subtle at first. Thank you for this. I am bookmarking it and will keep re-reading it when I need it.

  39. Robin ~ PENSIEVE
    April 23, 2011 at 9:06 am #

    Ummm, “forever” later I’m finally letting you know I read this “then” but wasn’t able to respond for some reason and then I forgot. This is GOOD, though, and spot on. If more wives believed this and acted on some of your suggestions, then I know…I just KNOW…their marriages would be better for it.

    Well done friend. Well done :) .

  40. Brandi
    February 8, 2013 at 11:26 am #

    I just want to thank you for this post! My hubby and I were in one of the worst arguments in our 17 years of marriage and I realize how many of these things I have not been doing. Thanks for giving me some scriptures and words of advice I can keep close to my heart as a constant reminder of the wonderful man I married and have become parents of 7 children to who need our example of a strong marriage in a world so full of temptation and bad morals!!

  41. Erica
    February 8, 2013 at 11:44 am #

    Ahh I needed to hear that last part … God’s been challenging me on this! After I had the twins, I realized how much ‘stock’ I put into my outward appearance! So good … thank you <3

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Tweets that mention What Your Husband REALLY Wants This Valentine’s Day… | 4tunate -- Topsy.com - February 10, 2011

    [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Jeffrey Holton, R.A. Snyder, Carey T., Alicia's Homemaking, Lynnette and others. Lynnette said: Great blogpost here….What Your Husband REALLY Wants This Valentine’s Day… – http://bit.ly/esYte3 [...]

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