By: Jennifer Murray

Keepin’ It Real Rewinds 05

Picking up where I left off

God answered our prayers.

And He answered with a  "No".

BFN. (Big Fat Negative)

I can’t say that I was overjoyed with His answer. In fact, it was hard to comprehend.

Why would He instill this deep desire to have a child and yet leave me with empty arms? 

I was heavy with grief and questioned if "mama" would ever be a title that I could own.

I don’t know about you, but music has a way of ministering to me when I’m facing a trial.  At the time a guy by the name of Jeremy Camp had two songs out that I played continuously for the weeks that followed.  I’d like to share some of the lyrics with you, in hopes that they will be of comfort to those of you facing difficulties and uncertainties in your own lives.  The words contain such truth. (You see/hear the entire songs here and here.)

I Still Believe

Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I’ve never felt so torn before
Seems I don’t know where to start
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

Chorus:

I still believe in your Faithfulness
I still believe in your Truth
I still believe in your Holy Word
Even when I don’t see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It’s my heart I see you prepare
But its now, that I feel, your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain (chorus)

Well the only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers well in brokenness
I can see that this was your will for me (chorus)


I Will Walk by Faith

…Help me to rid my endless fears
You’ve been so faithful for all my years
With the one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

Well I will walk by faith
even when I cannot see
because this broken road
prepares your will for me…

 

God was faithful.  He was present.  And I continued to believe that His ways were perfect, even when I didn’t "see"…

cruise2After the big "BFN", Brad and I were ready for a break from the emotional roller coaster that accompanies fertility issues.  We were even blessed by finding a steal of a deal (under $250 per person) on a last minute cruise to the Bahamas! Oh how food, sand, crystal clear water, and pampering restores the soul!!!!

cruise1

 

 

 

We both have such fond memories of that trip together.  It was a vacation that will never be forgotten.  Little did we know it would be our last for a LONG while…

 

 PS More Rewinds Found HERE.

19 Responses to “Keepin’ It Real Rewinds 05”

  1. The Murray Crew
    October 10, 2008 at 8:44 am #

    Man, that trip seems like just yesterday…..yet it also seems like a lifetime ago! Jen wrote this after I went to bed last night. I know I am a dork, commenting on our own blog, but that trip was awesome, and Jenny, you were a hottie in those brades!

    -Brad

  2. Rachel
    October 10, 2008 at 8:58 am #

    Jen-

    Thanks so much for your rewinds…

    As someone who is stuggling from infertility. It seems so easy for those who have been "cured" to forget the struggles and bask in their happiness…

    Thanks for reliving the the not so great times to give us who are still struggling hope & faith…

  3. Anonymous
    October 10, 2008 at 11:05 am #

    I too also stuggled for three years with infertility. Your words could be my very own. I love to share my story and do it often because I believe that there is no lonelier journey. It is something that only one can understand that has been through it. Jeremy Camp was also one of my absolute favorites and those same songs were my hope many days. Thank you for your sweet words!

    Rachel

  4. My2Gs
    October 10, 2008 at 11:21 am #

    Your blog was the inspiration for me to start blogging. I love reading about your family. I have nominated you for an award. Check it out here http://pbandpickles.blogspot.com/2008/10/i-got-award.html

  5. Veronica @ Luv My Quiver Full Of Arrows
    October 10, 2008 at 2:09 pm #

    What a great post…can’t wait for the next…

    And I must agree with Brad, you are looking quite sexy in those corn-rows, girlfriend!!

    Veronica in CA

  6. Shelly
    October 10, 2008 at 2:50 pm #

    I don’t know your story, but I’m guessing where this ends up! Wow! God is so good!

  7. Jen Wilson
    October 10, 2008 at 2:54 pm #

    Wow. Your story is completely inspiring and I’m so glad that you can share the work that God did in your life!

  8. keely
    October 10, 2008 at 6:39 pm #

    Just wanted to say that I love your Rewind posts.

  9. Anonymous
    October 10, 2008 at 8:18 pm #

    Dear Jen,

    I have been reading your blog for some time, but have never commented before. I believe that the Holy Spirit is prompting me to write this comment to you. My husband and I have been married for less than 10 years and we are both in our thirties now. We have no children.

    Our marriage is very unusual. We both have a strong faith in Jesus and we pray together. However, we have not been able to live as husband and wife physically for most of our marriage. My husband has severe depression and takes medication. He and I cannot have relations. We would like to have children of our own, but haven’t been able to do so. We have considered adoption (but not seriously). I keep wondering if things will ever change. That is the hardest part in all of it! If I could only know what I am supposed to do from here, it would help. It would also help if there was a support group for couples in our situation regarding male infertility. I pray for wisdom and understanding every day. We both starting praying about it together a few months ago.

    The hardest part is feeling alone. All of the infertility blogs or information I find is for couples where the woman is the root of the infertility.

    I started telling people about our infertility problems earlier this year. I try not to go in a lot of detail out of respect for my husband. He feels ashamed and embarassed by the situation.

    I share this story with you to say that your story really touched me today.

    I’m sorry I have to keep this story anonymous. I do it out of respect for my husband.

    Thank you for allowing me to share part of my story with you. It does help!

    God bless

  10. Anonymous
    October 10, 2008 at 11:24 pm #

    Jen,

    A part of me wants to say "I'm sorry" for all the difficulties you had to go through. But God knew what He was doing so who are we to be sorry?!

    So I'll just say that I know in a way how hard this must have been for you. We got pregnant with our girls effortlessly (obviously), but when we decided to have more children, we had to suffer miscarriages and disappointing months (oh, how I LOATHE the initials BFN!!) before we got our end reward for trusting Him… our two sweet little boys. I treasure them so much… all children are from God, but I feel our boys were extra special because God gave us so many tests of faith in waiting for them, and apparently we passed because He blessed us with Brayden & Jackson! Just as He blessed you with Henry, Isaac, Clark & Brooks!

    It was so great to see you at Apple Fest. Your boys are amazing, you can tell that in pictures. But in person, you can just feel how happy they all are. They were so sweet sitting there in the wagon. I told my husband I had never seen such tiny boys behaving as well as they all were. You and Brad are obviously doing an excellent job. God knew what he was doing when He gave this special bunch the two of you for parents!!

    Take care!
    Anne Schrader

  11. Kelly
    October 11, 2008 at 10:29 am #

    :o)

  12. Jenny B
    October 11, 2008 at 10:40 pm #

    funny very similar to us… we took a trip San Diego in December and took a break from all the fertility shots and testing etc. It was a nice break and we ended up pregnant in January. God’s timing is Perfect! although not always understood!
    love ya jen!
    Jenny

  13. Casey's trio
    October 11, 2008 at 11:33 pm #

    I love reading your Keepin it real rewinds. Looking forward to the next installment. And your pumpkins are cute as ever!

  14. Anonymous
    October 13, 2008 at 12:47 am #

    Thank you for bearing your soul and sharing your journey ~ the good and bad (difficult). I, too, have two glorious blessings that I PRAISE GOD for EVERYDAY ~ but I also have an unfullfilled desire for more children. I am struggling with my faith, my fears, my frustration. We had an unsuccessful ICSI cycle a few months ago, and are now in the throws of what appears to be yet another unsuccessful attempt. Why dear God do you place such a huge desire in the hearts of those who struggle with infertility, while so many teenagers or those who cannot care for the children they already have continue to be blessed by more? Help me in my struggle Lord, help me understand, help me continue to be faithful when all hope seems lost! Help me follow you! Thank you Jen for the words of encouragement and the ministry of Jeremy’s music. It has touched my heart deeply and for that I am very thankful.

  15. Goerlich Quadruplets
    October 13, 2008 at 10:44 am #

    Sweet Jen – I’ve been following all of the rewinds and can relate all too well. You are so brave to talk about this and bring up these emotions again! Such a painful journey but what a necessary one for what was to come! Patience, trust, faith all of those things building along the way. And it’s so neat to see how God blessed you in the midst of this waiting game with a cruise – how cool is that! Praying for another blessed vacation for you two soon! Lots of love, Mari

  16. Hoping for our own Peanut
    October 13, 2008 at 3:05 pm #

    thank you for sharing your story. it is such a big comfort for women going through treatments now.

    that trip must have been heavenly. 🙂

    Erin

  17. Mandy
    October 16, 2008 at 5:22 pm #

    Jen,

    Greg and I went on the Fascination a few years ago to the bahamas! The picture of you on the street totally looks familiar.
    It rained quite a bit when we went (it was Sept) but we had a great time as well.

    I always like catching up on your blog. You are such a good writer and still have that great sense of humor.

  18. TheVicks
    October 22, 2008 at 3:34 pm #

    Hey Jen, Brad and crew,
    We haven’t talked to you guys forever, I think Megan’s wedding was the last time. Anyway, I have just been introduced to this blog thing by Jessica and her triplets. I got your link from her blog. I am reading your stories and tearing up. What an amazing journey you have been on. I am really looking forward to your next rewind. You two are amazing for each other and your boys are so so lucky to have you as parents. My Brad said he saw you not too long ago and said the boys are adorable. If you don’t mind me asking, where/who did you start your fertility with? Hope to talk to you soon. Amanda Vickery

  19. Sarah
    May 13, 2012 at 9:16 am #

    Jen, I just found you and your blog through pinterest–specifically your list of great read-alouds for boys.
    I went though an infertility struggle of my own and God ultimately led us to adoption. I just wanted to share that Jeremy Camp’s song Walk by Faith was VERY instrumental in helping me cope with my own infertility and adoption process. Great song. True words.
    Thanks for sharing your story!

Leave a Reply

CommentLuv badge