Picking up where I left off…
God answered our prayers.
And He answered with a "No".
BFN. (Big Fat Negative)
I can’t say that I was overjoyed with His answer. In fact, it was hard to comprehend.
Why would He instill this deep desire to have a child and yet leave me with empty arms?
I was heavy with grief and questioned if "mama" would ever be a title that I could own.
I don’t know about you, but music has a way of ministering to me when I’m facing a trial. At the time a guy by the name of Jeremy Camp had two songs out that I played continuously for the weeks that followed. I’d like to share some of the lyrics with you, in hopes that they will be of comfort to those of you facing difficulties and uncertainties in your own lives. The words contain such truth. (You see/hear the entire songs here and here.)
I Still Believe
Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I’ve never felt so torn before
Seems I don’t know where to start
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain
I still believe in your Faithfulness
I still believe in your Truth
I still believe in your Holy Word
Even when I don’t see, I still believe
Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It’s my heart I see you prepare
But its now, that I feel, your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain (chorus)
Well the only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers well in brokenness
I can see that this was your will for me (chorus)
I Will Walk by Faith
…Help me to rid my endless fears
You’ve been so faithful for all my years
With the one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do
Well I will walk by faith
even when I cannot see
because this broken road
prepares your will for me…
God was faithful. He was present. And I continued to believe that His ways were perfect, even when I didn’t "see"…
After the big "BFN", Brad and I were ready for a break from the emotional roller coaster that accompanies fertility issues. We were even blessed by finding a steal of a deal (under $250 per person) on a last minute cruise to the Bahamas! Oh how food, sand, crystal clear water, and pampering restores the soul!!!!
We both have such fond memories of that trip together. It was a vacation that will never be forgotten. Little did we know it would be our last for a LONG while…
PS More Rewinds Found HERE.