4tunate

Picking up where I left off…

God answered our prayers.

And He answered with a  "No".

BFN. (Big Fat Negative)

I can’t say that I was overjoyed with His answer. In fact, it was hard to comprehend.

Why would He instill this deep desire to have a child and yet leave me with empty arms? 

I was heavy with grief and questioned if "mama" would ever be a title that I could own.

I don’t know about you, but music has a way of ministering to me when I’m facing a trial.  At the time a guy by the name of Jeremy Camp had two songs out that I played continuously for the weeks that followed.  I’d like to share some of the lyrics with you, in hopes that they will be of comfort to those of you facing difficulties and uncertainties in your own lives.  The words contain such truth. (You see/hear the entire songs here and here.)

I Still Believe

Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I’ve never felt so torn before
Seems I don’t know where to start
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

Chorus:

I still believe in your Faithfulness
I still believe in your Truth
I still believe in your Holy Word
Even when I don’t see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It’s my heart I see you prepare
But its now, that I feel, your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain (chorus)

Well the only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers well in brokenness
I can see that this was your will for me (chorus)

I Will Walk by Faith

…Help me to rid my endless fears
You’ve been so faithful for all my years
With the one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

Well I will walk by faith
even when I cannot see
because this broken road
prepares your will for me…

God was faithful.  He was present.  And I continued to believe that His ways were perfect, even when I didn’t "see"…

After the big "BFN", Brad and I were ready for a break from the emotional roller coaster that accompanies fertility issues.  We were even blessed by finding a steal of a deal (under $250 per person) on a last minute cruise to the Bahamas! Oh how food, sand, crystal clear water, and pampering restores the soul!!!!

We both have such fond memories of that trip together.  It was a vacation that will never be forgotten.  Little did we know it would be our last for a LONG while…

 PS More Rewinds Found HERE.

A variety of diagnostic tests followed my first RE appointment, in effort to rule one thing after another out, and nail down a reason for my "brokenness". Needles have never bothered me much, although my veins don’t seem too fond of them.  (I’m the girl who makes even the most confident phlebotomist nervous by the fourth stick.) And then there was the lovely Hysterosalpingograph (HSG) procedure….YIKES!  Each test result pointed to nothing but PCOS, which was both reassuring and frustrating at the same time.    

*Side Note I: I returned to work after my early morning HSG procedure, (I know, TOTALLY should have burned a sick day) and a co-worker knocked on the door of my office to make sure I was alright, since I had missed some work due to appointments.  She said everyone was wondering if I was "PREGNANT".  I honestly fought the urge to just crawl under my desk and wait until she walked away to reappear. Oh how desperately I wanted to reply with, "Yes, I’m pregnant.  We’re so excited!  Surprise!  We weren’t really "trying", but that’s okay! Uggh, and I’m already growing out of my pants, but Motherhood Maternity had this terrific sale on those cute elastic stretchy-top jeans, so I snatched up 8 pairs!  What I don’t wear this pregnancy I can always save back for the next, right?" But, instead I gave a terribly uncomfortable grin and quickly mentioned something about having some tests run.  Super, super, nice lady, meant no harm, had no idea, but it still stings when I think about it.

So after all the testing was behind us, we began a new treatment, accompanied by a renewed hope.

*Side Note II: I’ve thought a lot about whether or not to specifically name the hormone supplement I was given, because I know many of you are looking for the "magic pill" that will give you the positive test (been there)…but I’m going to refrain from doing so, because I really encourage you to find a conservative doctor whom you can trust, and who researches the best treatment plan for your specific condition. The simplest explanation possible being, my body refuses to make a hormone necessary for ovulation, therefore, I took a hormone to replace that deficiency.  There. Done. Phew!!!!

I completed the first round of strictly monitored treatment during my Spring Break. Couldn’t wait to go back to school and have all my kiddos ask me, "What did you do for Spring Break, Mrs. Murray?"  However, passing up the beach and tan lines for a potential "plus sign" was a sacrifice we were happy to make.  And only 2 ridiculously LONG weeks of waiting and praying to find out the result.

And the test was…

(Seems like a great stopping point! Rewind 05 coming up!  In the mean time, catch up on some old "Rewinds" HERE.)

(To Catch up on Rewinds Click HERE.)

After a few months of me being unresponsive to minimal treatment, my regular girl doc, referred me to the dreaded "Reproductive Endocrinologist".  It was all so…

Overwhelming.

Disappointing.

Complicated.

Confusing.

Embarrassing.

I now knew that I had PCOS (in rare form), but I thought I would be "fixable".  I thought I was coming to this office for the next dose of Clomid.  I didn’t know I was signing up for a multitude of tests and being prescribed a bottle of emotions.

The nurse came to get me for the first of about 47 blood tests.  I closed the door to the conference room, leaving Brad behind, and burst into tears. It was an unusual display of emotions for me.  You see, I’m a closet crier.  I cry with Brad and on occasion my mom, but that’s pretty much it.  However, no matter how hard I bit my lip and scrunched my face in all sorts of contortions, I couldn’t hold back the tears.  Tears turned into sobs.

I felt like "BROKEN" had just been written on my forehead – displayed for all to see;  like a delicate flower without any petals.

I’m extremely thankful for two people in my life that monumental day.

1. A nurse named Jamie who introduced herself with a warm hug and comforting words while I sobbed into her white coat.

2. Brad – Predictable, but nonetheless, a true support for one hurting girl. I cannot tell you the words he used to console me that day, but I know that I went home feeling secure, cared for, and calm. 

He was stickin’ by me, "broken" or not…

Through thick and thin, we make a great team together…Like Salt and Pepper.  A Hammer and a Nail. Apple Pie and Ice Cream.

A Fork and a Spoon.

Colossians 3:12-14 "Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

Reminder:  I’m sharing a part of our story in this post that has only been shared with a small handful of individuals. It’s a part of our story that is extremely personal for me, but I feel burdened to share it with you, in the hope that I can be a support to someone else who is faced with this similar struggle. Please feel welcome to share our blog with a friend or family member who might benefit from reading our personal account. Thank you in advance for allowing me to share this part of our journey with you and for your utmost respect and sensitivity on such a heavy matter.