4tunate

First Trimester:

Although it’s a bit of a blur now, the uncertain days of the first trimester seemed to last a lifetime.  Every week, we returned to my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) to complete blood work and count heartbeats while we held our breaths. Although we knew that one or more of the embryos disappearing or absorbing would be a more favorable outlook for the rest of the babies; We breathed a sigh of relief each time the fourth heartbeat was accounted for, knowing that God had chosen to sustain life yet another week.

Ultimately I chose to trust God’s sovereignty in each of those growing little bodies, but I struggled every single day with our circumstances.  I attempted to prepare myself for the worst case scenario, yet I wanted to believe that God could save all of them. He was the God of miracles, right?  He would work all things according to His purpose. He promised to do so, but I wrestled with trusting Him completely.

Because of the increased risk due to the mono-mono complication and the fragility of a high order multiple pregnancy, we kept a very short-list of people who knew about our quadruplet pregnancy during the first trimester.  It was SUCH an involved, complex, emotionally-loaded, time consuming, conversation.  (In fact, I’m STILL explaining Monoamniotic Monochorionic Twins, over two years later!) The idea of triplets was daunting enough without throwing in another number and complication that we ourselves didn’t understand completely. Looking back, would I let more people be "in the know"?  Perhaps. I think it was our coping strategy to deal with the exponential unknowns.

Physically, I was handling the demands of a multiple pregnancy incredibly well.  Although I dealt with serious fatigue and fell asleep to the music of Final Jeopardy most evenings, I was able to keep meals snacks down with ease.I even went the whole trimester without purchasing a single maternity clothing item. (Thanks to the rubber band trick I learned from Natalie!) Working my speech therapy job at the school was tiring, but I enjoyed the distraction of the kids, and the support of my colleagues. 

Towards the end of the first trimester, I was referred to our perinatologist, Dr. Sumners, who would take over my care exclusively.  If I remember correctly our initial appointment went well over 3 hours. (Our doctor was in an emergency c-section for a woman having her 14th baby. Apparently there’s no stopping the fourteenth!) However, our prolonged wait was no accident. A photographer was in the office doing a shoot for an upcoming brochure, featuring 10 month old QUADRUPLETS on the cover!  While we waited, we were able to observe them interacting, and interrogate ask their mom a million questions about her own experience. We could hardly believe our eyes!  We barely knew quadruplets existed before now, and here they were right before our very eyes smiling, climbing, giggling, ALIVE and HEALTHY!  So incredibly healthy! 

Meeting Denise and her babies became our "living proof" that with God all things are possible and filled us with a new hope…

****If you happen to be new to our blogging family, you might need to catch up on the KIRR posts numbers 1-10 HERE.****

I’ve avoided writing this post for weeks now, because this point of our journey is still painful to look back on.  However, I’m once again overwhelmed with an undeserving gratefulness to God for allowing our babies to survive and thrive in an “impossible” pregnancy. We owe Him all the glory!

Brad and I drove home separately from the doctor’s office after discovering the fourth heartbeat, beating inside my petite 5’2 on a “tall day” body.  I remember driving home in silent, numb, emotionless, disbelief of our new “reality”. The sheer number took a far second to the complication of the mono-mono twinning complication.  I just couldn’t understand why God would grant my request to be pregnant with what seemed to be a death sentence for not one, but four healthy beating heartbeats, that were doubling their size daily.  Babies full of life with knee joints, and brainwaves, and eyelids…

I questioned if I was responsible for this tragedy.

I questioned how our marriage would sustain this trial…

How could I physically withstand this pregnancy?

Would my faith be compromised?

How would I explain this to our family and friends?

An overpowering nausea came over me that wasn’t simply morning sickness.

When Brad and I were reunited at home, we decided to call a trusted friend in the medical field to come talk with us.  He immediately headed our way with his wife, and stayed with us late into the night; Listening, grieving with us, and offering us his guidance.

It was a very dark time in our lives.  The most difficult days we’ve ever faced.  Much darker than infertility, and even more dim than the uncertain days of the NICU.

Our “best case scenario” (from the medical stand point) was for one or more of the babies to absorb or disappear, which was a real possibility in the first trimester.  We prayed for life.  We prayed for God to sustain ALL of their lives, but if He chose to take one or more of them, that He would do so for the sake of the other’s survival.  That, my friends, is a difficult prayer to pray.  It was a prayer for life, but it was also a prayer for death. It’s a prayer that brings me to tears as I type this very moment.

Here’s the blog entry written a few days following our appointment:

Pray for our babies….

(8/18/06):
Brad and I would covet your fervent prayers during the next few weeks. We found out on Tuesday that our babies are in an even higher risk category than originally thought. We appreciate your support and love. We trust God’s sovereignty over this situation.

His grace was sufficient, even in our darkest hour…

I don’t know if I’ll get through this post without fighting back tears, but I’ll give it my best shot…

Two weeks after the shock of our lives, (finding out we were expecting triplets), I found myself back on that same cold table, staring blankly at the black and white screen.  I immediately saw the three oval-shaped sacs, and watched breathlessly as she examined each one closely for a heartbeat.  Tiny little blips flashed on the screen proving life still existed. We knew that during the first trimester, there were certainly no guaranties. As she scanned the final sack, something caught my eye.  Before a word was spoken, I saw it.  I knew with certainty that this sac was not like the other two. Time stood still in that defining moment. There were two flashing heartbeats in one sack. 

History was written in a conversation that went down something like this:

Me: "There’s two in there, aren’t there?"  

Nurse Lisa: "What?"

Brad: "Huh? What? Are there? Are we talking four babies?"

*Blurry screen*   

Our Doctor took over the ultrasound from there…

He examined it closely in what appeared to be disbelief.  He confirmed soberly there were indeed four and waited for me to get dressed to meet with him in the conference room.  

I remember looking at Brad who was standing behind me, making sure he wasn’t going to pass out.  He looked so dismayed and distraught. I was instantly flooded with emotions and ten thousand questions.  I felt overcome with guilt, fear, panic, grief, pain, disappointment, and disbelief; Yet I remained emotionally unresponsive in appearance.  I couldn’t cry… I couldn’t laugh a nervous laugh… I couldn’t scream… I just wanted to pull the white sheet over my head, and disappear from this new reality. 

Instead, the nightmare worsened. We learned that not only did we have an even higher risk pregnancy by the increased number, but we were facing, (I quote), "Pretty much the worse case scenario".  Our worst case scenario involved a rare form of twinning, called mono-amniotic twins. Monoamniotic twins are rare identical twins that occur in approximately 1 in 35,000 to 1 in 60,000 pregnancies, but had not been documented to exist within a quadruplet pregnancy.  

A complicated pregnancy lends itself to a complicated explanation. (For the record the incidence of mono-mono twins or even having identical twins for that matter were unrelated to the mild fertility treatments we underwent.) Without getting too ridiculously medical, let me try my best to explain monoamniotic twins through a compiling of these resources, for those of you who may not be familiar with this terminology. (Illustrations can be found here.)

Monoamniotic twins are identical twins that develop inside the same amniotic sac. They share a placenta within their mother’s uterus, but have two separate umbilical cords for nourishment. This means that both babies share the same living space. They don’t just share their house, they share a bedroom, bathroom, and playroom! Where as other identical twins share an outer sac, but not an inner sac.  They are separated by an important membrane. Unfortunately, monoamniotic twins are at great risk for health complications due to the close proximity of the two umbilical cords in the amniotic sac. This makes it particularly easy for the twins to become entangled in each other’s cords, or to compress one another’s cords, endangering their oxygen and food supply. The survival rate for monoamniotic twins is approximately 50%, but incalculably less within a quad pregnancy scenario. 

We walked out of our 8 week appointment in anguish, after what seemed to be a death sentence for our four little heartbeats…

But God had other plans.

(Rewinds Numbers 1 – 9 can be found here.)