I’m so glad we don’t know all of the details of how things will go…
I’m thankful that God gives us just enough to not overwhelm us in the moment…
I’m ever grateful for the daily increments of grace needed for that day alone, not the entire road ahead.
Otherwise, we would surely sink.
If I would have known the physical struggle of this loss would be so long and grueling, I could not have faced it. We are 8 weeks well into this journey that I thought would last a week or two. We’ve been wrestling these past few days with patience, trust, faith, feelings, and being still while we are in this holding pattern of waiting. Feelings certainly swing and change with the wind. One minute I feel resolved and overwhelmed by grace, and the next I feel so weak with tears that burn my eyes, and blur my vision.
All the while, life goes on spinning – clothes need washed, meals need made, boys need cared for,work needs to be done. And sometimes life is a pleasant and welcomed distraction from physical pain and grief, but other times it seems like so much to give when there is so little in me that I feel like I can give.
Today there should be more answers and a plan, and that gives us hope, but how long will we continue to wait? How long will we have to continue to be vulnerable when friends ask us if things are better and have to say, “Not really.”?
“Lord, how long must I wait? Will you forget me forever? How long will you turn your face away from me? How long must I struggle with my thoughts? How long must my heart be sad day after day? How long will my enemies keep winning the battle over me? LORD my God, look at me and answer me. Give me new life, or I will die. Then my enemies will say, “We have beaten him.” They will be filled with joy when I die. But I trust in your faithful love. My heart is filled with joy because you will save me. I will sing to the Lord. He has been so good to me.” Psalm 13
I don’t know how long, and I don’t need to know. I just need to lean on His faithfulness today. One 24 hour increment. Our cup of grace will not run dry today, and we will wake up tomorrow for enough to face the day ahead.
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:25-34
Faith over feeling, regardless of circumstances. Sufficient grace upon grace, for each new morning. We will trust in His faithful love.