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the unknowns…

trusting-God-in-the-waiting-and-unknowns



I’m not sure if you’ve figured this out about me yet, but I’m a planner. 

I like to know what’s coming, and prepare for it accordingly. 

Patience isn’t my spiritual gift. 

I’m most comfortable with security in knowing what to expect, and I don’t think I’m the only one who feels this way…

Last night the unknowns of this week ahead started to feel heavier as my head hit the pillow. (It’s when fear seems to always strike me. The ending moments of the day in the darkness.)

Will there be another surgery this week?  Will this week be the ending of  this long and difficult physical trial? How painful will tomorrow be? Will the boys be okay going through another uncertain week? How can I guard my heart? 

I was quickly reminded that there are so many hard things to wait for in this life, and so many much more difficult to bare than my own.

Waiting for results for a potential returning cancer, waiting to find out if the home you love will be taken, waiting to find out if a child’s marriage is going to end in divorce, waiting for excruciating pain to lessen, waiting to see if a loved one is going to turn the corner…

The brokenness of this world is so real around us. 

This morning I started my morning reading Psalms 27.  I’ve been reading A Shelter in the Time of Storm, which is a book written based upon the hope of this psalm for a broken world. It ends with “Wait for the Lord: be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!” 

I think it’s no accident that David repeats, “Wait for the Lord”, twice in one breath. We need to be reminded every thought during the unknown days. It’s waiting with purpose. It’s not waiting that is filled with impatience or annoyance. It’s a waiting filled with strength and courage.

This waiting isn’t without reason, and neither is yours. It’s not time wasted or lost. God can use this time in our lives to mold and shape us, as we are all the more desperate for His grace.

Today I’m praying for courage and strength for my unknowns this week, and the uncertainties you may be facing in your own struggles.

 

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Finding Beauty in the Brokenness: Music

beauty-in-the-brokenness


My life is a soundtrack. Ask my husband.  I have a song for almost any phrase, which I commonly burst into at any moment. I have a 6th sense of music – knowing the year it was released and what was happening in my life during that period.

For instance some 80′s ballads are definite “Rollerskating Rink Couple’s Skate” songs, and others are “Cruising the Streets of Covington Junior Year Songs”, or “Katie’s 7th Grade Sleepover”, or “Freshman Year College Dorm” songs. They are all categorized and attached by memories. Strange I know, but it comes in handy in random trivia.

Music and my life are synced. And music has a powerful way of helping me process hard things in life. I’ve had many theme songs throughout difficult times, especially during our struggle with infertility and our high-risk pregnancy with the boys.

I’ve had a playlist through this trial as well (thanks to a couple of friends making mix CDs – such a great gift), and I’m sharing them with you, because I know music has a powerful way of encouraging the heart, no matter what the circumstances. Music brings hope, peace, healing, and strength – well worth a $1 download. (These links go to Amazon where you can download the songs, or I’ve also made a “Finding Beauty in the Brokenness” Spotify playlist that you can follow here.)

Finding Beauty in the Brokenness Playlist:

1. One Thing Remains – Passion

2. Still My Soul, Be Still – Keith and Kristyn Getty

3. A Mighty Fortress – Christy Nockels

4. Lord, I Need You – Matt Maher

5. Beautiful Things – Gungor

6. Oceans – Hillsong United

7. Never Once – Matt Redman

8. What Love is This – Kari Jobe

9. You Never Let Go – Matt Redman

10. Cornerstone – Hillsong United

11. None But Jesus – Hillsong United

12. Forever Reign – Shane & Shane

13. Let the Peace of God Reign – Hillsong Live

What songs have encouraged you during difficult times? 

Other Links in This Series:

 

 

 

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Cloudy With a Chance of Sunshine

A reprieve I had been longing for…
A happy dose of normal…
A break from the severity of the physical travail…
A promise of spring…
A hope that this cloud will one day lift…

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And my heart rejoices in a couple of good days, even if they are followed by more difficult ones. It’s a promise that this winter won’t last forever.

Things are still “incomplete”, which means I’m on a heavy dose of meds for the next few weeks, and then a potential second surgery if things remain. This process has seemed a bit cruel at times, to be honest, but we continue to trust. We continue to wrestle the “whys” with the “who” – concentrating on who God is, over the unanswerable questions of our immediate situation that we have prayed desperately to be resolved.

It’s a tug of war of our hearts. What we feel vs. what we know to be truth.

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People continue to focus on our emotional healing, and assume it is the reason we’ve been slow  to return to normal. However, the pain, the discomfort, and its continuation effects have been too intense for my mind to wrap around much of anything else. While I know that we have processed it to a degree, it’s been nearly impossible to not be consumed by the physical and how it effects our family.  Perhaps, it’s made the grief a little easier to bare by spreading it out, or maybe it will hit us even greater when this part of the trial concludes, but for now we have been focused on getting through the physical part of this hardship.

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The ground is thawing. Peace is coming. Peaks of sunshine will mix with the clouds. There will be an end to this harsh season, and I’m so thankful for God allowing me to see a glimpse of the other side.

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A few links that have ministered to my (and Brad’s) heart this past week:

Brad and I listened to this audio series from Mark and Sarah Vroegop over the weekend.  There’s much truth, honestly, and hope in this series that I would highly encourage someone experiencing the grief of a miscarriage, stillbirth, or loss of a child (or if you know someone who is going through this struggle) to listen to…   

I related to the words of this article, “And Then There Was None: The Miscarriage I Never Expected” , so much…

Moms are often emotional beings. We crave expression. But there is little time for us to do it. Moms must go on. There is so little time calculated into our days, weeks, months and years to grieve. It’s just not on the schedule…” 

And this..

“We are encouraged not to tell people we are pregnant until 12 weeks, but then 80% of miscarriages happen before 12 weeks. So we face this incredibly life-altering experience in solitude. We wander around our “everyday” lives with a broken heart that no one else is aware of. Some may wonder why I am putting something so private and intimate on the blog. And to them I say this: I share because I find great comfort in the love and support of those around me. And I share because I know with certainty that others after me will walk this journey and I want them to know they are not alone. I want them to know a sisterhood of strong and brave women has walked the path before them.”

And so much more…go read it. It’s so good.

And this one,  “Why You Should Never Stop Telling Your Story” , from my dear friend, Myra, is just so spot on with why I’m continuing to write even through the pain of this season, instead of just writing only the good. This too is part of our story.

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Thank you for continuing to allow us a space to share our story, even when it’s hard. You haven’t ran away from supporting us even during this darker time, and we are so grateful that you have remained. We know you are praying, grieving, and waiting along side of us, and it’s been so encouraging to our hearts.

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