I’ve been quiet and a few of you have noticed. That means a lot that you are still here and checking in on me.
Yesterday was Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day and I stayed off the internet most of the day, because I just couldn’t… The sadness was just under the surface and I was afraid to wake it, that I might drown in it again. I’ve been in a really good place with gratitude and even joy, but I feel shaky as some calendar days approach. My feet feel unsteady with knowing winter and its harshness are approaching.
If you pray for me, would you pray that I might be able to embrace the approaching months with confidence, hope, and even anticipation? Pray for Brad also. We both have expressed similar fears. Pray that I wouldn’t just suppress the pain, but I would walk through it with grace. That I wouldn’t runaway from grief when it hits unexpectedly, but that I would be brave. That I wouldn’t deny the pain or expect myself to be over it by now, but to be willing for God to grow me through it. That I would depend on Him for healing and not any other substitute.
These words from Shauna Niequist brought me much comfort yesterday.
“Your loss doesn’t need to be a secret. Your heartbreak doesn’t need to be carried alone. If you found yourself thinking of a friend today, thinking of their loss, please do speak that love and concern for them. Please reach out if you need to talk, to tell the story one more time. Women love to tell birth stories. But I’ve found along the way that we really need to tell these stories of loss, too. We need to hold them out as evidence of what broke our hearts and broke our bodies–this is what happened to me, to us.”
Mostly my absence had just been a new busyness of becoming a school mom and adjusting to the changes it has brought. I’m still figuring out how to navigate this new path, and my roles in it.
I love to write and plan on continuing to pour out words here. I’m just shuffling a bit, and I’m thankful for your patience with my pace. I know many of you are walking difficult roads of pain, grief, and uncertainty. I’m taking time today to pray for your hearts.