By: Jennifer Murray

Shuffling…

psalms

I’ve been quiet and a few of you have noticed. That means a lot that you are still here and checking in on me.

Yesterday was Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day and I stayed off the internet most of the day, because I just couldn’t… The sadness was just under the surface and I was afraid to wake it, that I might drown in it again. I’ve been in a really good place with gratitude and even joy, but I feel shaky as some calendar days approach. My feet feel unsteady with knowing winter and its harshness are approaching.

If you pray for me, would you pray that I might be able to embrace the approaching months with confidence, hope, and even anticipation? Pray for Brad also. We both have expressed similar fears. Pray that I wouldn’t just suppress the pain, but I would walk through it with grace. That I wouldn’t runaway from grief when it hits unexpectedly, but that I would be brave. That I wouldn’t deny the pain or expect myself to be over it by now, but to be willing for God to grow me through it. That I would depend on Him for healing and not any other substitute.

These words from Shauna Niequist brought me much comfort yesterday.

“Your loss doesn’t need to be a secret. Your heartbreak doesn’t need to be carried alone. If you found yourself thinking of a friend today, thinking of their loss, please do speak that love and concern for them. Please reach out if you need to talk, to tell the story one more time. Women love to tell birth stories. But I’ve found along the way that we really need to tell these stories of loss, too. We need to hold them out as evidence of what broke our hearts and broke our bodies–this is what happened to me, to us.” 

Mostly my absence had just been a new busyness of becoming a school mom and adjusting to the changes it has brought. I’m still figuring out how to navigate this new path, and my roles in it.

I love to write and plan on continuing to pour out words here. I’m just shuffling a bit, and I’m thankful for your patience with my pace. I know many of you are walking difficult roads of pain, grief, and uncertainty. I’m taking time today to pray for your hearts.

10 Responses to “Shuffling…”

  1. Kim
    October 16, 2014 at 7:14 pm #

    I just wanted to take a moment to say that you are so sweet and generous and BRAVE for sharing your struggles with infertility and life in general. I myself was recently diagnosed with PCOS and we were also dealing with male factor infertility. After what seemed like forever, tomorrow we go for an ultrasound to see if the meds I took earlier this month worked. I’m excited but also terrified at the same time.

    Anyway, I’ve gotten off track here. Thanks for sharing real life. There are some bloggers who make it seem like life is all cupcakes and rainbows and ponies, and frankly it’s exhausting to read. I’d much rather read about reality…and maybe eat cupcakes while I’m reading 🙂

  2. Cherie from Queen of Free
    October 17, 2014 at 1:26 am #

    I am SO glad you’ve shared some specific ways to pray for you. You have been heavy on my heart friend. I love you dearly and love your words, too. Walking Through Pain with Grace sounds like a book title, by the way. *hugs* to you in this season. You are a bright light even when you feel like you’re flickering.
    Cherie from Queen of Free recently posted.. Three Ways You Can Help Spread the Word About Slaying the Debt Dragon

  3. Siob
    October 17, 2014 at 4:05 am #

    I was thinking of you yesterday dear Jen

  4. Leire
    October 17, 2014 at 8:13 am #

    Funny first time I read it I read ‘and you cheated me’ instead of ‘and you healed me’

    Many times I feel cheated by God while healing is happening. It takes me some time to see the healing (even when printed!)

    • teresa
      October 21, 2014 at 3:13 am #

      I also first read it as ‘cheated’ instead of “healed”. =S

  5. christa sanders
    October 17, 2014 at 1:00 pm #

    I SO feel you. September is our super hard month, with febuaray not far behind. It is crushing pain and it is ok to feel it. One verse the Lord used in His healing with me is “He keeps all my tears in a bottle” – my pain is heartbreaking to Him and He hurts for me, much as a mother does when something terrible happens to her child. It never goes away, but it gets easier. ((hugs))

  6. Covington Grandma
    October 18, 2014 at 9:19 pm #

    You have been on my heart so deeply this week, dear daughter. When difficult times in our lives make us better, I think God is honored.

  7. Crystal
    October 19, 2014 at 7:29 am #

    I have had so many friends lose babies, including you. It’s an honor to hear your heart on the subject.
    Crystal recently posted.. Church Lessons

  8. Danielle Barton
    October 19, 2014 at 10:00 pm #

    Lifting you up today. Praying that the grief will ease and you will come into a season of great joy!

  9. teresa
    October 21, 2014 at 3:12 am #

    Trusting the Lord to faithfully provide grace & strength day by day … and sometimes, hour by hour or even, minute by minute. Our journeys are all unique. May they ever draw us closer to our Lord and Savior.
    Love, (((((((hugs))))))) and prayers,

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