****If you happen to be new to our blogging family, you might need to catch up on the KIRR posts numbers 1-10 HERE.****
I’ve avoided writing this post for weeks now, because this point of our journey is still painful to look back on. However, I’m once again overwhelmed with an undeserving gratefulness to God for allowing our babies to survive and thrive in an “impossible” pregnancy. We owe Him all the glory!
Brad and I drove home separately from the doctor’s office after discovering the fourth heartbeat, beating inside my petite 5’2 on a “tall day” body. I remember driving home in silent, numb, emotionless, disbelief of our new “reality”. The sheer number took a far second to the complication of the mono-mono twinning complication. I just couldn’t understand why God would grant my request to be pregnant with what seemed to be a death sentence for not one, but four healthy beating heartbeats, that were doubling their size daily. Babies full of life with knee joints, and brainwaves, and eyelids…
I questioned if I was responsible for this tragedy.
I questioned how our marriage would sustain this trial…
How could I physically withstand this pregnancy?
Would my faith be compromised?
How would I explain this to our family and friends?
An overpowering nausea came over me that wasn’t simply morning sickness.
When Brad and I were reunited at home, we decided to call a trusted friend in the medical field to come talk with us. He immediately headed our way with his wife, and stayed with us late into the night; Listening, grieving with us, and offering us his guidance.
Our “best case scenario” (from the medical stand point) was for one or more of the babies to absorb or disappear, which was a real possibility in the first trimester. We prayed for life. We prayed for God to sustain ALL of their lives, but if He chose to take one or more of them, that He would do so for the sake of the other’s survival. That, my friends, is a difficult prayer to pray. It was a prayer for life, but it was also a prayer for death. It’s a prayer that brings me to tears as I type this very moment.
Here’s the blog entry written a few days following our appointment:
Brad and I would covet your fervent prayers during the next few weeks. We found out on Tuesday that our babies are in an even higher risk category than originally thought. We appreciate your support and love. We trust God’s sovereignty over this situation.