By: Jennifer Murray

Keepin’ It Real Rewinds 03

(To Catch up on Rewinds Click HERE.)

After a few months of me being unresponsive to minimal treatment, my regular girl doc, referred me to the dreaded "Reproductive Endocrinologist".  It was all so…

Overwhelming.

Disappointing.

Complicated.

Confusing.

Embarrassing.

I now knew that I had PCOS (in rare form), but I thought I would be "fixable".  I thought I was coming to this office for the next dose of Clomid.  I didn’t know I was signing up for a multitude of tests and being prescribed a bottle of emotions.

The nurse came to get me for the first of about 47 blood tests.  I closed the door to the conference room, leaving Brad behind, and burst into tears. It was an unusual display of emotions for me.  You see, I’m a closet crier.  I cry with Brad and on occasion my mom, but that’s pretty much it.  However, no matter how hard I bit my lip and scrunched my face in all sorts of contortions, I couldn’t hold back the tears.  Tears turned into sobs. orchid

I felt like "BROKEN" had just been written on my forehead – displayed for all to see;  like a delicate flower without any petals.

I’m extremely thankful for two people in my life that monumental day.

1. A nurse named Jamie who introduced herself with a warm hug and comforting words while I sobbed into her white coat.

2. Brad – Predictable, but nonetheless, a true support for one hurting girl. I cannot tell you the words he used to console me that day, but I know that I went home feeling secure, cared for, and calm. 

He was stickin’ by me, "broken" or not…

Through thick and thin, we make a great team together…Like Salt and Pepper.  A Hammer and a Nail. Apple Pie and Ice Cream.

A Fork and a Spoon.

DSCN1193c

Colossians 3:12-14 "Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

Reminder:  I’m sharing a part of our story in this post that has only been shared with a small handful of individuals. It’s a part of our story that is extremely personal for me, but I feel burdened to share it with you, in the hope that I can be a support to someone else who is faced with this similar struggle. Please feel welcome to share our blog with a friend or family member who might benefit from reading our personal account. Thank you in advance for allowing me to share this part of our journey with you and for your utmost respect and sensitivity on such a heavy matter.

 

29 Responses to “Keepin’ It Real Rewinds 03”

  1. Carrie
    September 2, 2008 at 5:26 pm #

    Ok, between you and Antique Mommy this morning…I’m just in tears. Thanks so much for being real. The pain/embarrassment/brokenness of infertility is so real. I guess I’d be having what you call secondary infertility but really it’s fourthdary infertility. The pain this fourth time is just as hurtful the first time. Thanks again for being real and I’m looking forward to your next ‘Rewind’.

  2. Anonymous
    September 2, 2008 at 5:54 pm #

    Hi Jen, Ahhh what a sad & difficult time you & Brad truly endured. I have a few friends and also one of my dearest cousins have POS… one of those friends now have a set of triplets and the other a set of twins! God saw and heard your broken hearts…what an Awesome God we serve, Jen, that after seeing your broken and contrite spirit…he blessed you with FOUR beautiful, handsome, and HEALTHY tiny successes!!!! ~Sioby

  3. Melissa
    September 2, 2008 at 7:06 pm #

    Jen,
    As a fellow woman who struggle with the pain of infertility and the feeling of being “broken” and not able to do what a woman is mean to do, I thank you for sharing your story. I am now, after many years of infertilty treatment and much medical intervention, the very proud and grateful mama of gorgeous twin boys. However, I will NEVER forget the pain of feeling like my own body was unable to do what every woman’s body is supposed to be able to do and being completely at a loss as to what to do next. You are brave to share your story, but you are certainly not alone.

    You are an inspiration to woman struggling with infertility!

  4. The Sherrill Family
    September 2, 2008 at 9:14 pm #

    Thank you for being real and sharing your story.

  5. Barbara Manatee
    September 2, 2008 at 9:15 pm #

    We had some minor struggles on our journey to parenthood and I remember how frustrating those were – I can’t imagine having endured bigger issues and over the course of a longer time. I image those memories and feelings may still linger, but I am so glad that God has blessed you with your beautiful family!!

  6. The Carlsons
    September 2, 2008 at 9:25 pm #

    thanks for sharing your struggles with us. i can totally relate! i especially felt broke and like “what’s wrong with me?!” since we already knew my body got pregnant once but now couldn’t. infertility, whether primary or secondary, really stinks! and i think it is very brave of you to share this, with the world :)

    -fellow quad mom of GGGG and a 4yo boy

  7. Anonymous
    September 2, 2008 at 10:41 pm #

    I have PCOS as well- I can totally relate to your story of feeling broken

  8. Mountain Girl
    September 2, 2008 at 10:42 pm #

    Wow, thank you for sharing your story. I remember going to the OB/GYN after hearing I was in my 40s, had been married for 2.5-3 years and diagnosed with PCOS in my late teens, she looked at me and said you have NO chance of getting pregnant. NO fertility doctor will even touch you. I kept it together until I got to the car and SOBBED all the way home. My poor DH didn’t know what to do, but held me tight. It IS TOUGH to go through this………and knowing that the chances of ever being pregnant or even being a mother (incl. adoptive) are slim to none….it HURTS so much!

  9. The McNulty Family
    September 2, 2008 at 11:24 pm #

    I just started the “ugly cry” reading this Jen!! I was right there with you. It could have been me writing this post. I love you mama and as always.. I know your heart.

    You are amazing.
    Miss you so much!
    XOXO
    G-Gen

  10. Jessica
    September 3, 2008 at 12:11 am #

    I’ve been dealing with my own pcos, and now hyperplesia, and knowing you had such beautiful boys lifts my spirits immensely! thank you for sharing what you have so far :)

  11. Dorette
    September 3, 2008 at 3:44 am #

    Wow busy mama that was harsh and uncalled for.

    Thank you Jen for sharing your heart with us over such a difficult subject – it must be hard revisiting all those painful moments! I never once got the impression that you are a misery heap that doesn’t count your blessings. It’s everything but – in all your posts your gratitude is a shining light!

    I had minor fertility problems as well, so can totally relate!

    Praise God for our delightful little boys!

    Blessings from South Africa

  12. Chelley N
    September 3, 2008 at 9:41 am #

    Jen — I am a faithful reader of your blog, and I want to say thank you so much for sharing your story. My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for five years, and have yet to have any children. I am a fellow PCOSer and pray everyday for God to give me peace with the feelings of brokeness and guilt (letting myself and everyone down) that I feel. Your story is inspirational and uplifting to me. Thank you again for choosing to share your difficult journey.

  13. Andrea
    September 3, 2008 at 12:31 pm #

    Thank you for sharing with the world. Like the other people posting, I have PCOS. I now have my little Clomid twins. Your journey is fun for all to follow, as well as inspiring,insightful and honost. I must say, I wonder what it would be like to write a blog followed by COUNTLESS individuals all over the world. THANK YOU again, as blogging is also a task to complete amoungest all your other mommy tasks (X4).

    Andrea in MN

  14. Anonymous
    September 3, 2008 at 1:04 pm #

    hey jen…hey, i facebooked you a messege…when you have a free minute could you get back with me? thanks :) sioby :)

  15. Suzanne
    September 3, 2008 at 2:35 pm #

    oh jen…as well as i know you, it is SO good to read about where you have come from. you continue to amaze me and i’m so glad i can share in your journey with you. you are an inspiration–always a light in my day. God is so good.

  16. Laura
    September 3, 2008 at 3:17 pm #

    Jen,
    I want you to know I always read every post on your blog I just don’t comment on them all.

    This post really spoke to me. I am enjoying reading where you came from. I am sure it will help someone who is hurting like you were at the time.

    I cannot believe how big those boys (and cute) are!

  17. Casey's trio
    September 3, 2008 at 11:18 pm #

    I also want to tell you how courageous I think you are for sharing such personal, raw feelings. PCOS was a term the fertility doc used with me also although I don’t think I was ever officially diganosed with it.

  18. Cindy (and Brian)
    September 4, 2008 at 4:42 am #

    This one really resonates with me. Thanks so much for sharing! Great job!

  19. Jocelyn
    September 4, 2008 at 1:47 pm #

    I also have PCOS, though I don’t know how severe or how it will affect me trying to have children.

    I have not yet turned to Clomid or anything else… my husband and I are kind of waiting and praying about when/what to do anything. We know we want to be parents, but in case the Clomid works right away, we’re taking our time because we’re not absolutely certain we want it to be RIGHT NOW.

    Thanks for all your inspiration.

  20. Megan King
    September 4, 2008 at 3:55 pm #

    Jen- It’s so awesome that you are sharing your very personal story! Praise to God who has blessed you and Brad through hardships.

  21. Kim
    September 4, 2008 at 5:46 pm #

    Jen, thanks so much for sharing this. I have been trying to conceive for two years now after a diagnosis of PCOS. Nothing is easy, and there are times that I feel like such a failure. The hardest is when you get questions from extended family at holidays…why haven’t you gotten pregnant yet?!? As if holidays aren’t hard enough when you are having fertility issues. You give me hope. Thank you for sharing your story, because it was exactly what I needed to hear.

  22. Veronica @ Luv My Quiver Full Of Arrows
    September 4, 2008 at 5:52 pm #

    Jen,

    I am truly touched by your candidness.

    Also, the scripture you posted was exactly what I needed for something, that is so unrelated, I am going through. God is using you in more ways than you could even begin to imagine. So, please know that your sharing your heart so openly is not in vain, my sweet Sister.

    xoxo from Veronica in CA

  23. erin
    September 4, 2008 at 10:11 pm #

    Jen,

    Congrats on four boys! Don’t know how you do it b/c I can barely keep up with two! Allyson used-to-be K now Allyson L. forwarded your link several months ago. I’m a pharmacist grad from Butler from her class, and have trouble shaking the Jen the hen label :) My unmarried name was Erin B., and I think you might have been on the 2nd or 3rd floor of Schwitzer Hall your sophomore year. I remember simultaneously talking on cell phones in the hall in the evenings, and remember you from Crusade as well. I’m trying to figure out a way we can exchange email addresses without posting them on the web. Any ideas? I’d like to send a photo of our family and an update in case the memory jogs haven’t helped. I love your blog!

  24. Kelly
    September 6, 2008 at 8:26 am #

    Reading about your story, I may one day be able to share mine.

  25. Kate
    September 6, 2008 at 11:25 am #

    Oh man, this series is so stinkin’ good! Thanks for being so real Jen. I can’t wait to get to the part where you have a positive pregnancy test!!! I’m going to cry, I know it. :)

  26. Quad Squad!
    September 6, 2008 at 9:47 pm #

    Wow. My heart goes out to you! Although my own struggles to get pregnant were not as great as yours, I did experience similar feelings of “brokeness”. It’s such an awful feeling! Thank goodness we both have God in our lives and really supportive husbands!

  27. 4 AND NO MORE
    September 7, 2008 at 10:11 pm #

    Jen,

    You captured the first visit to the infertility doctor so well. It is such a huge decision and so scary. I remember after one of my initial tests, I went to a park afterwards and just cried and cried before I went to work. I remember thinking “I can’t do this. I won’t have kids ever!” I’m so glad that Jamie was there for you, and that you didn’t feel alone. Her predecessor wasn’t so compassionate.

    You are so courageous for sharing all of this!
    Amanda

  28. Anonymous
    September 22, 2008 at 1:41 pm #

    Thanks so much for sharing. I keep coming back for the next part of your story. I am struggling to get pregnant and, usually a very open person, I have been very private about this. It helps so much to hear your story as I come to grips with my next steps. I know if babies are in my future, esp. a few at a time like you, it can be done. That is my comfort! Thank you so much for being so candid.

  29. Mike and Molly Spivey
    October 22, 2008 at 2:42 pm #

    Random question: are you guys from Louisville? I saw the picture of Lynns Paradise Cafe – my husband and I just moved from there – that is where our boys were born!

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